The Best Blog on the “Internets”

Please folks, stop e-mailing me about the title of my blog (The Best Blog on the Internets). I know that the word “Internet” doesn’t have an “s” at the end of it. Please take a look at the clip above, and you will see that the “Decider” influenced me… God that man has some serious swagger going on!

The Road to Shangri-La: Tip #1 of 10, 000

 

From time to time, I will submit posts to the “Best Blog on the Internets” with the title “The Road to Shangri-La.” These posts are usually about sex, so parental discretion is advised.

What, or where is Shangri-La you ask? Shangri-La is a place that few will ever see on a consistent basis. Most of us will visit there from time to time, and most of you have been there at least once. It is a place where all of your sexual itches are scratched simultaneously. Sounds good, right? Well let me show you how to get there.

This post happens to be for the ladies. Like I said, this is Tip #1 of 10, 000, so don’t think that all you will have to do is read this one post in order to get your man to buy you a crib in Shangri-La.  But, it is a good start. This may seem like the easiest one of my tips to fulfil for you man, but word on the streets is that some ladies have a hard time with this one. Some women don’t see the point…

 ”Shut the fuck up and get to the tip,” you say? Well here goes it:

Match. Your. Panty. Drawls. Up. With. Your. Bras. Get your shit together, as my man T.I. says.

See ladies, if your man or dude you are having an affair with  is sophisticated like me, the things that he put up with during his teenage and early college years just don’t cut the mustard anymore. Let me try to explain. You see, during our teenage years, us guys were just happy to be fucking whenever a chick was stupid enough to give away her tender yoni.  It didn’t matter if the chick was ashy, if her feet were a mess or if her panties didn’t have elastic in them anymore. If she was willing to give it up, we were going to hit it, because we didn’t give a shit about such trivial things. We wanted a good story to tell our homeboys.

If you are like me, you did a whole shitload of freaking during those formative college years. During my college years, I started really learning what I wanted in a woman or freak I was seeing on the side. I figured out what type of mental traits I liked in women, but this post isn’t about that. This is about the visual. Basically, our “freak” evolved during the college years. We began to respect and pay more attention to the details of women. By the end of college or soon thereafter, we had already been turned out by that one freak young lady that brought your “freak” to it’s peak. Ladies, you probably had already met that dude that did the same for you by then also.

This chick worked her muscles a certain way (oh yeah), her hair was always on point, nails and toes done, and her panties always (and mean always) matched her bras. Uh oh, no turning back. By now, you expect certain things from your future sex partners, and anything less just turns you off after a while. Or maybe this is just my experience, but I doubt it. Fellas?

As you know ladies, you are all into that emotional stuff. We understand this because we have to, and we try our best to walk on egg shells around you cater to you emotional needs. Us men, we are physical beings. We are turned on by you looking good and being our personal freak; not by how long you can hold us after a long night of heavy panting and stomach-bumping. What I’m saying is, perserve your sexy ladies. You are sexy, so act like it. Take advantage of that pretty ass, supple breasts and smooth-ass thighs. You won’t look this way for long, so ride the wheels until they fall off.

If your man is like me, he probably has some pretty young thang at work trying to throw him her tender yoni on a daily basis. It’s just the way it is. This chick probably has the body of a goddess, and she’ll probably jump on every opportunity to tease you man. Maybe she bends over in front of him to pick up some documents or whatever, only to display her thongs that she picked out especially for your man; you know, to reel him in. And you better believe that the bra matches the thongs. Oh, the temptation! But, this dude loves Y-O-U. But ladies, you are making it more difficult for the both of you if you don’t take your time and coordinate your drawls. If you have a good man, he will drop a few hundred dollars on some lingerie just to make himself you happy. He has to deal with this temptress for at least eight hours a day, and then he has to come home to you every night with your sagging white drawls with the elastic busted the fuck out, your shit brown bra and a stank ass bandana on your head! (If this doesn’t apply to you, then ignore this tip.) That shit ain’t sexy, and that is not the way to get your yoni cared for on a daily basis like only your man can – cuz we know you like fucking just as much as we do! Yeah he loves you, but that temptress in the office might catch him on the wrong day, and boom! – they are getting it on on the top of a broken copy machine or maybe in the garage!

One last point: Like I said, we are visual creatures. And if your dude has grown into a sophisticated being, then he likes to come home to unwrap his perfectly-wrapped gift (“Damn you look good girl! Shit!”). I mean, don’t y’all just looooove pretty wrapping paper? (Yeah, you see my point).

I know women that wouldn’t get caught dead without matching underwear. They feel that they want to look good for their man, but the real kick is that they feel better about themselves when their temple (or body for you slow folks) is adorned with the perfect accents to their beautiful physique. What’s going on underneath permeates to the outside, giving her swagger. And swagger is sexy! And if you look sexy, and feel sexy, then there’s no way your man would rather go to sleep, hang out with his boys, or roll in the hay (or supply closet) with that freak in the office over making sweet, passionate love to your fragrant yoni. No way in hell! So, work with us ladies and your cooch will be happy. And when your happy cooch makes our lingam happy consistently, then you will get an occasional pair of shoes out of the deal. Everybody wins! And take that fucking do-rag off your hair when it’s time to get down. We want to pull your hair if you have any because we’ve seen it in pornos. But I digress…

Again, this is not a cure-all for your sexual woes. But, we need to start at your panty drawls. Everything will fall into place before you know it. Stay tuned for the next tip, where I will talk about the “coochie drop-off”. And ladies, don’t get mad at me. I am not picking on you, because I definitely have some things to tell the fellas about what they need to do. Stay tuned…

-Contradiction