The Dr. Phil of the Streets: Dallas Cowboys Fans Born and Raised In DC

Disclaimer: I love the city of Dallas. I love the food, the atmosphere, the skyline, the beautiful women, and I love my family members from Dallas. I’ve been there many times, and I look forward to going back this year. I think all of my family  members that live in Dallas, and those that have relocated to DC from Dallas are Cowboys fans. I totally understand the fact that they are Dallas fans (although you might catch me displaying my mean side-eye game from time to time when they talk about the Cowboys). However, they are exempt from this post. Now…

Occasionally, you will see posts on this blog entitiled “Dr. Phil of the Streets,” where I will tell you what I KNOW about certain psychological issues retarding your progress on our planet. So, without further “to do,”  (as my boy Carlito Brigante eloquently put it), here goes it. I’ll start off with a little background info for you foreigners…

Washington DC is a football town. Fuck hockey, fuck futbol, definitely fuck baseball (which will be the topic of one of my posts later on this week), and even basketball. Yeah, we love the Wizards and the Bullets, but our passion is football (not as much as the situation in Green Bay because they really don’t have anything else to do, but pretty damn close). I cried when LT broke Joe Theismann’s leg. I can’t express to you the pure joy our city felt when Doug Williams and the “Posse” whooped up on Denver in Superbowl XXII. Remember the T-shirts and sweatshirts with Doug Williams’ big ass face on them that said “Touch of Class?” Aww man! Or what about when Mark Rypien, Earnest Byner and the crew whooped up on Buffalo in Superbowl XXVI. Remember the songs that the crew over at WPGC 95.5 came up with before every game? Corny, but pure genius! So, needless to say, I was born and raised (for the most part) in Washington DC, and I will probably be wearing a Redskins jersey at my funeral.

Which brings us to this ridiculousness…(Deep Breath..sigh) There are alot (and I mean alot) of Dallas Cowboys fans living in the DC Metropolitan area. For those of you that don’t know, the Cowboys are the Redskins biggest rival. In my opinion, this is the biggest rivalry in sports history. I don’t know if it has to do with the whole Cowboys vs. Indians Native Americans thing, but if you are a minority, then how can you be against the Indians. But anyways, it is a HUGE issue in DC! We play the Cowboys twice a year due to the fact that they are in our division. Some of the greatest games in history have been between these two teams, which makes for some good shit-talking opportunities when these games occur. It’s all in fun, or so I think…

My issue is with these folks in our great nation’s capital that were born and raised in DC that happen to be Cowboys fans. I’m talking about DC to the core; you know, folks walking down the street with Mambo Sauce stains on their Nike boots, rocking some Chuck on their iPod…with a fucking Dallas sweatshirt underneath their North Face!. Y’all know what I’m talking about. What kind of fuckery is this I say? Since the DC-bred Cowboys fans I talk to on a daily basis have never given me a straight answer about their obsession with Dallas, I’ve been forced to form my own facts opinion on this matter: they do it for attention.

We all have insecurities; even me! And we all have our ways with dealing with them. Facially challenged individuals get plastic surgery if they can afford it, but some accentuate what they have going for them instead of going under the knife. We’ve all seen the ugly chick with the incredible ass. She understands that she is not the easiest thing to look at around the face area, so you are guaranteed to see her at all times with some tight jeans that accentuate her perfectly rotund posterior. Do you baby girl! Embrace that ass!

Unfortunately, some individuals deal with their insecurities by begging for attention, whether it be negative or positive (look at that sellout chick on I Love New York). Some people want to be “that guy”. You know, that guy that tries to be different so people can pay attention to him, because otherwise he would be irrelevant. Oh yeah, you know him…This is the case with the Cowboys fans from DC. You know, the bammas with the big ass Cowboys’ flags outside of their car. They are begging for attention, even though the attention is usually negative. They don’t care though, because it makes them feel like someone is interested in them, when really us Skins fans think you are fucking idiots. Am I right or wrong? Yeah, you feel me…Am I breaking some ground here?

Hey people, look. I understand that we live in a free-ish, kinda democratic country. That means that we should be able to choose which team to root for, right? WRONG!! We all know that this really isn’t a democracy, so you don’t have all the rights that you think you should have. You have been bamboozled! Sorry to inform you.

I apologize for this long post, but just let me leave you with this one point. Love yourself, because when it is all said and done, you are all you have in this world. My couch is open if you want to talk about this. Moses knows that I’ve had to stretch out on a couch or seven to be the disturbed person that I am today. We will try to find your positive attributes, and I will help you focus on bringing those to the forefront. Then, you won’t need to beg for attention because you will get it without saying a word (or putting a dumb ass flag on your car). Let’s bring you back home. And if you don’t think that you need my help, then do us all a favor and jump off of the Reunion Tower. As my man Hal McRae says, “Now put that in your pipe and smoke it!” One…

-Contradiction